Have you heard about the ball me lads
the ball of kirriemiur
some came for the dancing
but they mostly came to whore

(Chorus)
Singing, balls to your partner
backs against the walls
it ye canna get fucked on a saturday night
ye'll never get fucked at all

Four and twenty virgins
came down from inverness
and when the ball was over
there were four and twenty less

The elders of the kirk were there
and horrified to see
four and twenty maidenheads
a hanging on a tree

There was fucking in the farmyard
there was fucking in the ricks
ya couldna hear the music
for the squishing of the pricks

There was fucking in the hallway
fucking on the stairs
ya couldna see the carpet
for the cunts and curly hairs

John mcAndrew the farmer
was sorely greiving that
an acre of his winter wheat
was fairly fuckit flat

The undertaker he was there
dressed up in a shroud
swinging from a chandeleir
and pissing on the crowd

Mrs mcGinty she was there
and had us all in fits
diving off the mantelpeice
and bouncing on her tits

The villiage postman he was there
and scared to death of pox
so he was masturbating
in to a letter box

The bride was in the bedroom
explaining to the groom
that the vagina not the anus
is the enterance to the womb

The villiage cripple he was there
he wasna up to much
he lined them up against the wall
and fucked them with his crutch

The chimney sweep he was there
he didna care a hoot
he blew a fart behind the cart
and filled the hall with soot

The outcome of the whole affair
was scores of tender cocks
at least a dozen bastards
and a cross exchange of pox

But when the ball was over
the opinion was expressed
that though the dancing it was good
the fucking was the best.

The Ballad of Kirimuir